My boyfriend's ex was a whore in so many ways it was gross. I know sleeping with him is a risk but I know he is clean and he knows I am clean. I am so much more the woman to him than she ever was but I still feel put down by her becuase she went there with him before me and I will never be able to give him a child. She seems to have a power over him because I think it is because she is a whore and i hate it that he broke up with her and went back with her because he wanted to get laid and I know he didn't know me yet then and so it really does not matter what he did then and I can not make that a reason to be mad, he says he loves me, I believe it, i really think he does love me, but even though I look a lot better than his ex and am a lot more of a good woman than she is she is the whore and I was not and I feel like something in him really liked that whore thing that I will never be;;

I smoke cigarettes! My mom does not know!

I have completly screwed up my life in every way possible in the world butI do not even care Everyone tells me he is bad for me and i dont care becuz I never felt love b4 now and now I feel that I dont want to go away from him and if my life goes to pot then it does and it has allready so much. But my life was not much any way becuz I allready lost every thing when it was an early age along time ago so what is there to lose now. I do it all wrong and I would do it again becuz I know i finally have a person who seems to care if I live or die and I think he means that

I never had anal sex until now. I had it with someone I love and trust. I was scared. the first go at it, hurt. Then it did not. I felt kinda like I was being a bad girl but then I didn't really. Its not that i liked the being BAD part, it is just that I liked having that first with my boyfriend, but it did bother me that he has done that with other women before me and it was not his first go at it, but then again probably everyone has tried it axcept me so that probably does not even matter. I liked feeling like i was giving him everything of me that was posible to give.

For all my life, no one has really been able to stand me. People will come and go in my life but no one sticks it out with me. I know something is wrong with me somewhere deep inside because this happens. I chase people away just because I am hard to love. But now I love a man. I really love him, and I don't think I will be able to ever walk away from this man. However I know who I am, and what is wrong with me, that I wear everyone out, and it's just a matter of time until he sees that in me, then he will go like everyone else always does because they get so tired of me, and then what will I have? I will have feelings of love that I never had before for a person and then nowhere to use those feelings because he will be gone, all because something is wrong with me and people tire of me.

NO one understands that I want to just SCREAM and cry and let it all out because I just love him and he is the one thing I can't have. I hate every song, every picture, every memory that we share, because they are now reduced to a pile of absolute nothing for a reason that isn't even worth it, but are we so easily ripped apart????